As the virgin Mary, you’d think getting immaculately boned by the big man himself would not only leave me with a soon-to-be savior fetus, but also with some holy wisdom. But really, where the hell in God’s arsenal of arcane knowledge is there anything about bad Acid?
But before I tell you that story, I should preface by acknowledging my growing drug addictions during and around the time of Jesus’ birth. After you get past the fact that your son’s going to die, you can really come to appreciate the fact that his death means you can smoke as much grass as you want and still be saved. Hell, every thursday night, me and the girls would get together and smoke a few bowls. They’d always be worried, you know, about getting caught or arrested, but I’d always tell ‘em, I’d say, “Don’t you ladies worry, once this little jack-in-the-vag pops out, we’ll be set.”
I’ll be honest, though. Soon reefer wasn’t quelling the eternal munchies. I needed more, I needed some hard shit. I went from coke to heroin to CCC faster than you could say, “Aren’t you worried about the baby?” (To which I would always reply, “He can’t feel it, I promise, just keep going.”).
Eventually I would find myself at a party. I pretty literally mean “found myself” because I have no idea how I got there. The days had begun to blur together at that point. I’d wake up at random intervals to find myself in another bed, usually with a few people with me. There were rarely any clothes being worn.
I walked into the main hub of the party, being felt up by most around me due to my lack of proper dress-ware. I noticed some people sitting off in the corner talking to the rats outside. They looked like they were really enjoying it, too.
“What do the rats say?” I asked the nearest one.
“What rats? That’s a fucking DRAGON!” he replied in earnest.
I noticed his eyes were bleeding slightly, and I noticed him clutching a tiny container.
“Whatcha got there?”
“This new shit I just picked up in Jordan. You can take the hits in your fucking EYES.”
I needed no further persuasion. I took the vial and popped a few drops in my eyes. Soon enough, I was chatting up the dragons like they were my old friends. How could I have ever mistaken them for rats? I’ll never know. Also, my tits had become purple. This fascinated me to no end. I told the dragons about this new development.
“Look, look!” I said.
“Can I see them up close?!” the dragon pack leader asked me.
“Of course!” I responded. That was my mistake. As soon as I put the dragon on my chest, he bit off both of my nipples. Not that I cared too much. Minutes later I was unconcious.
But that is why, dear readers, you should never take acid. Actually, fuck that – just make sure it’s good and you get it from a reliable seller. Drug abstinence is for pussies anyway.
